Learning to Love
by Storm Elf
Summary: really redone version of the first chapter of Finding Out After fully rejecting Dee, Ryo thinks about his past, his friends, and Dee


NOTE TO REMEMBER: ooh, look! Caps get people's attention! Alright, there are two people here that I need to clear up confusion about. #1 is Riz. Riz is a person that they work with scene one panel during the third book, all he does is say hello to 'Randy' as he calls him. Now we can all see the dangers of loving Fake but only owning one manga. The second person is Jeff. He is seen during Ryo's flashback for when his parents died  
  
Oh, on a side note, I got contacts!!! ^__^  
  
Timeline- I don't know. It probably wouldn't fit in anywhere. I have only read up to the fourth book and I don't have the jap. versions. I suppose that it happens after the fourth book but in an alternant universe. That would explain it I suppose  
  
+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+ Learning To Love  
  
I sighed and looked down on the paper work in front of me. My partner, Dee, was sitting across from me in the over crowded office. There might have been a desk between us but it might have been just a pile of papers. From how much work we had done lately, I believe that the desk had collapsed and the papers were all we had left.  
  
We had been assigned to numerous small cases which were easily cleared up but required enough paper work to drown in. Either way, I was stuck there without an escape other tan watching Dee. He was working on filling out one of the reports for the latest case. His pen scrapped the paper as his eyes darted around. It was beginning to run out of ink, hence the annoyed look in his eyes.  
  
"Damn it!" The pen had finally made its last mark, 16 from the looks of it. He stood up and paced in a circle one or twice before leaving the room. I looked around the room, having lost my distraction and not wanting to do any work right now, until he came back. He was holding a cup of coffee in one hand, which he was probably addicted to, and a new pen that most likely came from JJ in the other.  
  
We soon took a break to relax and rid ourselves of the carpel tunnel syndrome that it was creeping into our wrists. I headed for the bathroom and Dee to the lounge, off for another cup of coffee most likely. When he opened the door I spotted JJ, Riz, and Ted in there and I heard Drake's voice. They were talking about a new movie that had come up. They had already seen it and enjoyed it. Once I was finished in the bathroom, I went in as well. Dee was slurping down what appeared to be a third cup of coffee and his legs were beginning to cross themselves.  
  
"So, Randy," Riz began once Dee decided to head out of the room, at a run no less. "Did you hear much about he movie The Green Sword?" (1)  
  
"I heard a little bit about it, is it good?" I asked, though I knew that he would begin ranting about how good it was. He did, as I expect, go on and on about how much he loved it. I smiled and nodded until Dee came to my rescue.  
  
"Hey, Ryo!" He interrupted as he opened the door and strode into the room. "Come on, time to get back to work." I knew that Dee would never be the one to tell me to go back to work. He never had before. I suspected that he really just wanted to talk to me but had to get me away from the others first. He knew how shy I could be with his advances in public, or in privet for that matter.  
  
Just as I had suspected, when we got back to our office he began talking to me. He first asked general questions about how I was doing, though he already knew the answers. He later moved on to questions about the case, asking my opinion on what we were doing. Taking a 180 turn from what we were discussing, he began talking about the movie. He said that he was interested in it and asked me to go see it with him.  
  
I am not stupid, a little bit of an air head, yes, but not stupid. I knew what to expect when I saw this movie with him. He would behave to begin with. Maybe put his arm around me, maybe steal one kiss in the car. For most people that wouldn't count as behaving, but it did for Dee. In the theater though, he would stop behaving all together. He would constantly try to kiss me, which I don't want him doing. I tried to think up a lie but, well, none came to mind.  
  
"No, I really don't want to." I looked him straight in the eyes. His jaw dropped slightly in disbelief. I had never outright rejected him before. "I know that all you will do is just try to kiss me. I want to see the movie, just not with you."  
  
He muttered a quick "fine" and looked back down at his paper work and didn't say anything for the rest of the day. I was not happy with how I had sounded. I had meant to sound empathetic, apologetic, trying to explain that I didn't want him kissing me. Instead I sounded like a jerk worthy of getting smacked. He had extended his love to me and instead of turning it away gently I slammed it into the ground. It was too late to do anything about it so I let it go this time. Dee was a persistent man, he would ask again tomorrow.  
  
At the end of the day he stood up and left without saying a word to me. He said good bye to JJ as he passed him in the halls. Even he noticed that there was something wrong. He barged into the office and started screaming at me.  
  
"What did you do to my Dee senpai?" JJ's eyes narrowed into tiny slits, I wondered if he could even see anymore. He had been stalking Dee ever since he knew him but it had only recently begun to annoy me. On the same note, he had always been protective of him.  
  
I tried to explain what had happened, leaving out just how cruel my response had been. He blamed me for Dee's bad mood and his recently broken nose. I could only wonder how he had gotten it. Looks like Dee is finally managing to convince JJ that he doesn't want anything to do with him, not that JJ is figuring that out.  
  
I brushed him off and walked out to my car. I didn't need to deal with him right now. I was already feeling bad about what I had done to Dee. No one deserves to be hurt like that. Back when I was still in high school I had developed a crush on a cheerleader. Looking back on it, she meant nothing to me. I asked her our once, figuring that I might have a good chance. She laughed as loud as she could, getting all of her friends attention. Then and there she began telling me how stupid I was, how much better than me she was, and how I had no chance of ever getting a date with anyone. After that, I never asked anyone out again. Friends of mine would set up dates for me, asking them for me because I was still too timid from my first experience, but none of them ever clicked. I enjoyed them as friends, but nothing more. Whenever I explained that to them, they decided not to talk to me ever again.  
  
When I walked into my apartment, I was a wreak. Guilt was overpowering everything. I didn't know why I felt so bad about it, but I did. I had never felt this bad when I turned down all of the girls that I had been set up with. I hardly even cared when they never talked to me after it. How could one rejection hurt this bad. I knew that I loved Dee, but that was just a brotherly love, right? I felt the same way about everyone on the force, didn't I? No, I didn't. There must be a simple explanation. I was closer to Dee because I was with him more than anyone else so I cared about him more. I didn't want to go around kissing him, right?  
  
From day one he had tried to kiss me and I had tried to get him to realize that I was not interested in him that way. For some reason he still kept it up. I didn't enjoy it, not at all. He was a good kisser, I will give him that much, but I really didn't want it. Every once in a while I would give him a kiss goodnight or something but it didn't mean anything.  
  
The topic was still on my mind as I got read for bed. I had already said goodnight to Bikky and was in the middle of changing into my pajama's when the phone rang. I finished changing but did not get out of my room in time to answer it. I heard my message play. The beep sounded and Dee's voice flooded into my ears.  
  
"Hey, Ryo, I suppose that I wasn't to apologize, not only for today, but for every time that I tried to kiss you. I thought that you might actually be interested in me. I suppose that I was the air head, not you. Anyway, I wont to it again, I swear. Good night."  
  
Dee's voice was not the same as usual. It lacked something but I didn't know what. He sounded defeated, lost, and maybe deflated, though I don't know if that is possible. I wanted to pick up the phone and call him right back but what would I say? "I love you?" no, that would never do. I didn't love him like that at all! It would mean that I would be gay, which I wasn't! There was no way that I could be. They were different from normal people and I was clearly a normal person.  
  
That night I dreamed of Dee. I dreamed of everything that he had ever done with me. I could see all of the care in his eyes and the love in his heart. I saw the truth about myself. I was heartless towards him. I never gave him a clear answer about whether or not I returned his love. That was why he kept chasing after me. In the last part of the dream, he came up to me and hugged me close. He had never actually hugged me in real life. If he was close enough to do that then he took advantage of it in different ways. This was nothing like all of the kisses he had stolen. It was just warm, comforting. Everything about it was good.  
  
I woke up in a cold sweat, aching for his touch. I wanted the warmth back. Ignoring it and deciding that there was no way that I wanted him like that, I walked into the kitchen and got a glass of water. After downing it, I went back to bed.  
  
Sleep did not come easily. I laid in bed for over an hour trying not to think about him, about what he could be doing right now. The answer was simple, he was sleeping like every other sane person in this city, like I should be doing.  
  
When sleep did take me over, more dreams came, but not about Dee this time. This time they were all dreams that I had had before. Jeff, one of my friends that I made in kindergarten and still write letters to, was in it. In the dreams I did things that I would never do in real life. Jeff had been a friend, nothing more. Those dreams about him meant nothing other proof that dreams have nothing to do with real life.  
  
After those there was no way that I was going back to sleep. I sat up in bed and hugged my knees close together. I had dreamt about men other than just Jeff when I was in high school. As much as I didn't want to admit it, I had dreamt about at least half of my friends. I had convinced myself that it meant nothing, until one of them, Tim, came out. He had ended up with a crush on me of all people. I told him that I was not a freak like him.  
  
I still hate myself for what I said to him. I told him to keep away from me after I heard. All of his friends abandoned him, not just me. At lunch he sat alone with people snickering as they walked by him. In gym class no one wanted to be his partner. When the teacher assigned someone, everyone made fun of that person too. Many times I was assigned that job. He was always friendly to me, and everyone else for that matter. In many ways he was the stereotypic gay, minus the lisp. He was kind, outgoing, artistic, and looked good. All of the girls were crushed when he came out junior year.  
  
When I was paired with him for other projects, I began to become friends with him again. We would laugh together, work every once in a while, and do things that friends normally do minus one thing. I would never be seen with him in public. I would agree to go over to his house but I wouldn't talk to him in school. He said that he was alright with it but I know that it hurt. I quickly became good friends with his new boyfriend, Jett, too. Jett was a nice man, quick minded and great at nearly any game that you pointed him at. He earned the right as the first and only person to beat me in chess from junior year on. I can no longer bring myself to play the game now, even though I loved it before.  
  
Our friendship reached an abrupt end two weeks before graduation. Jett was walking home from the flower shop, having bought flowers for Tim's birthday, when five seniors started following him. He had heard stories of people hurting gays but had always believed that the people in our school were better than that. They jumped him and beat him to death. His mother found his body on her way to work. It took three neighbors to calm her down enough to tell them what happened after she ran screaming into their house. We all knew who did it but no one made an effort to do anything about it. When I went on the record saying who it was the police turned me away, saying that they were taking care of the matter and did not need my help. Nothing was ever done about it.  
  
I spent days at Tim's house trying to help him out as best I could, which was little more than hold him as he cried at first. They had had plans for after high school. They were going to a small collage with a great art program for Tim and a wonderful literary reputation for Jett.  
  
Tim never graduated. After Jett was killed he stayed at home. He knew that if he went out of his house they would target him. He phoned the police about it many times but none of them did anything about it. The next week he ran away from home. I never forgot the frightened look in his eyes at Jett's funeral, his one outing before he left. It was that look that made me want to become a cop. No one should look like that. No one should have what they love the most taken from them and be told that no one cared.  
  
Before I had met them I had questioned myself only just a little because gays must be different than my friends. They wore short shorts and tank tops, talked with lisps, and could not keep their hands off of their boyfriends. You could always pick them out in the crowd. After meeting Tim and Jett I realize that this wasn't true. The only gays who acted like that were the ones on TV, just like every secretary did not wear low cut blouses and bent over every time that someone walked into a room.  
  
I wish that I had taken a chance to talk to him about myself, I had begun questioning myself more and more after spending time with them. Every time I rested on the conclusion that if I was I would realize it. I would look at other men and get really turned on or something like that. I assumed that it would be so obvious that I could not escape it.  
  
Now, with Dee pushing himself on me, I was beginning to wonder again. Was it really so clear and cut? It looked more like it blurred at the edges, no black and not a speck of white, just indistinguishable shades of gray neither darkening or lightening. Was it a decision, was it genetics, or was it just something different. Was it like Dee's 'mother' had said? Did the person just need that other person regardless of gender? The last one sounds the most likely. A year after high school I got a call from Tim's mother telling me that he had committed suicide because he could not deal with being without Jett for another day.  
  
My alarm clock snapped me out of my musing. I turned it off and got ready for work. All I could think about was Dee. After I spent so much time thinking about my old friends I realize what a chance I had missed by not telling Tim the truth. I was not going to make that mistake with Dee.  
  
I got to the office early, hoping that Dee might be there. He wasn't there yet, in fact, he was late. It wasn't anything out of the ordinary but it was still inconvenient. When he did wander in, cup of coffee in hand no less, he avoided my eyes.  
  
"Dee" I tested my voice timidly. It was barely above a whisper but he heard it. He looked into my eyes and put his cup of coffee down and rushed over to me. I felt tears welling up in my eyes. I had thought about Tim and Jett for too long. He put his arms around me and pulled me close to him.  
  
"What's wrong?" His voice flowed with concern.  
  
"I'm sorry, I'm sorry for everything. I'm sorry that I am such an idiot, that I hurt you. I didn't mean to. I." I couldn't bring myself to say those three words. I wanted to tell him that I loved him, but they wouldn't come out. "I..care a lot about you." Dee shrunk back for a second, disappointed. I had to do something. "I care about you more than anyone else, and, I..I..."  
  
"I love you too, Ryo" Dee whispered into my ear before drawing back enough to kiss me. It felt better than any of the ones before now that I had finally admitted the truth. "And I always will."  
  
+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+  
  
Ok, a little sappy at the end, but I still like it. It balances out the rather dark stuff about the poor little original characters of Tim and Jett. Oh, what did you think of them? How about their story? Ok, now time to forget about them! What did you think of everything else? How about my writing? Truth here people! I enjoy writing because I can make other people happy. If I'm not doing that then I have to know why so that I can change it.  
  
MY MOVIE!!!!! I love my movie, it is my graduation project and I have one of the main roles! I get to wear elf ears, I love my movie! We will make it big (not really)  
  
+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+  
  
You: What the hell? Didn't you already do this story?  
  
Storm Elf: well, sort of, but I didn't like it. It was part of Finding Out but I decided that I hated it and wanted it to be different.  
  
You: ok, so what are you going to do about Finding Out then?  
  
Storm Elf: simple, I am going to kill it! (murderous smile)  
  
You: (steps back a little) but I like the plot!  
  
Storm Elf: that's not what you said!!!  
  
You: yes it is!  
  
Storm Elf: oh, ok, maybe it was. I liked the plot too so I'm not killing that, just the story. I am going to rewrite it, hopefully better, and pick up where I left off with this one. Instead of going through the whole how they get together thing I will ask people to read this and just go right into where they are going to Ryo's anut/uncle's house, that work?  
  
You: ok, that works. I'm going to review this story now, oh, glad you like your contacts  
  
Storm Elf: thank you! 


End file.
